Equipment Woes

I have an everlasting grudge against the Bic Corporation, maker of the most unreliable butane lighters I have ever encountered. They sometimes work, but rarely when I'm trying to light fireworks. They sometimes just quit working for no aparent reason, or the flintwheel jams. How am I supposed to perform devious acts with a broken lighter?! Either that or the fuse on the firework malfunctions for some reason and, 1) gives me exactly 0.05 seconds to get away, or, 2) sputters and goes out. And then the head on my hatchet almost falls off every time I hit something with it. But of course when I try to get the head off the handle so I can get a new handle, it takes me roughly about an hour. #*@$. On top of all this, the manufacturer of one of my favorite "domestic" fireworks halved the amount of explosive in their fireworks. Not under any new federal or state law, but just to spite me, I suppose. Really, can't someone make a foolproof device? If there's one on the market right now, I'd very much like to have it.

Fun Things to Do With Fireworks

I was bored when it happened, I admit it. But it's still pretty cool.

-Take a jumping jack and wrap electrical tape around it, covering both output holes. Get a small diameter tube, about 3 feet in length, and prop it at about a seventy degree angle. Next, grab your modified firework, hold it fuse side down over the end of the tube, light it an drop it down the tube like a mortar. Watch out: sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Other times it blows up.

-Find an airtight container with a screw-on lid, made of flimsy plastic. Go buy some "crackling ball" fireworks. Be sure to get this on tape. Light one of the balls, drop it in the container, screw the lid on and RUN! The thing blows up if you do it right. Careful who is around when you do this. Some people don't have the stomach for large-scale domestic explosions, and others might get mad at you for spewing pieces of plastic all over their yard.

Methods of (heh heh heh) "Retribution."

(disclaimer) any and all comments in following "blog" are not to be taken seriously or tried. For gosh sakes, why do I feel the need to put that down?

The following are methods of bothering your neighbors, possibly driving them to the brink of insanity. It's a good idea to have a video camera on hand, because things WILL get interesting.

-Smoke his mailbox, using heavy duty smoke devices.
-Make as much noise as possible (outside, of course).
-Cars make good targets;soap them.
-If he's got big trees, TP 'em.
-Silly string! (I think this statement speaks for itself)
-Make fiendish devices in plain sight. (if he sees you test-firing eggs out of a three-man slingshot, he might change his tune.
-Use sidewalk chalk to convey messages.
-Leave a blowgun dart stuck in one of his trees. Try to be on hand when he finds it.
-PLEASE don't try any of this, or if you do, don't blame me for the, ah, "problems" you may encounter.

My Annoying Neighbors and How to Deal With Them

Man my neighbors are cranky. I admit that I probably set them off with so many fireworks and annoying experiments, but
they are still cranky. They called the cops on me the other day for playing airsoft in my yard (might I add that I have a clear
pistol WITH an orange tip on it, as did my friends). I didn't get in trouble; airsoft is legal on private property, but it was
annoying to know that they're so interested in my doings. I must think of a method of retribution (legal, of course).